When Thordis Elva was 16, she was raped by then-boyfriend Tom Stranger, who had been 18 at the time. He was visiting Iceland on an exchange trip and met Elva at school. The pair had been dating for a month when the rape happened – the night of a school ball. After Stranger returned home to Australia the relationship ended. It seemed as though that would be the end of it.
Elva lived with her rape for the next nine years, eventually writing Stranger a letter. ‘I want to find forgiveness’, Evla explained. ‘[I] realised that this was my way out of my suffering. Regardless of whether he deserved my forgiveness, I deserved peace.’
Stranger responded, and after a string of letters, the two agreed to meet – 16 years after the rape – in Cape Town and have since co-authored a book called South of Forgiveness. They recently shared the stage by giving a TED talk together, discussing the incident, their different perspectives and how the fact that Stranger took responsibility for his actions allowed them to move towards forgiveness.
What’s most inspiring, is Stranger’s willingness to own his crime. He does not blame Elva – not the fact that she’d had a drink that night, that they were dating or that she was wearing something ‘provocative’. And amazingly, Elva is able to accept this and find healing in it.
As Stranger says in the talk: ‘I disavowed the truth by convincing myself that this was sex, and not rape. But this was a lie.’ As he continues: ‘Saying to Thordis that I raped her changed my accordance with myself as well as with her. Most importantly, the blame transferred from Thordis to me.’
Watch this incredible talk and story here:
The lessons we can all learn from their story are endless – it’s not your fault. Wehave to speak up. Men must take responsibility for their actions. Progress, healing and forgiveness are possible.
From: Cosmo SA
The post MUST-SEE: A story of rape, responsibility and forgiveness appeared first on Good Housekeeping.
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