Whatever’s Comfortable… Sometimes
“Whatever’s Comfortable” Still from Southern Comfort television ad
“This is the most interesting man in the world. Is he stunningly handsome? Is he uncommonly svelte? Is he well dressed? Or dressed at all? In fact, he is not. Yet even the hot girl in the short shorts and the bikini top… can’t resist his magnetism.” –Sam Theilman, Adweek
How GQ Got it Wrong
GQ rarely gets it wrong, but we do not agree with Lisa Corsillo’s recent take on men’s swimwear:
“There’s a reason we’ve been seeing side stripes on all manner of men’s pants this year—especially the looser baggier track pants and wide legged trousers. Not only do they simultaneously bring to mind athletic gear and tuxedo pants, a high low fashion coup, but they also give looser bottoms a contrasting and balancing structure.”
Sreenshot, GQ’s article by Lisa Corsillo
For the average guy, white is not the right color. Best choices for cuts and colors depend as much on the man himself as they do upon where he is, who he’s with, and what he is doing; but racing-stripes are never a good look, and they do not “simultaneously bring to mind” sportswear and tuxedos. Noticing a rivet on a pair of jeans, one does not think simultaneously of battleships and cowboys. We’re not even sure one can think simultaneously about any two things.
Rafael Nadal can get away with the kind of trunks eleven year-olds wear because he is Rafael Nadal. In the photo to which Ms. Corsillo is referring, Rafael Nadal in Ibiza. On a yacht. And that’s why his trunks look good.
There may be men who look forward to buying swimming trunks, and Rafael Nadal might be one of them, but we don’t know any personally. The men we know approach the prospect of spending money on a swimsuit with Stoic equanimity, reluctance, or trepidation. Chris Hemsworth can make zebra-stripe Speedo look good, and if you’re built like Mr. Hemsworth you can too. With swimwear, the most important thing is that a man feels comfortable wearing it. Swimming trunks are maximum-exposure garments. They leave little to the imagination and are very unforgiving. We say: wear what you like. That’s the bottom-line. Our counsel is offered in earnest and addresses reasons for de-selecting some popular options. But you’re the guy that’s got to wear it, so our advice should be taken with a grain of sea-salt.
Tips for Choosing a Swimsuit
Briefs are for Swimmers
If you’re planning on swimming, diving, and frolicking in the water, and you are comfortable in a brief or in very short square-cut shorts, then wear them. These are likely your best choice, too, if you’re sunbathing.
Boardshorts are for Surfers
Boardshorts only if you have a board, plan to be on a board, or are playing a beach sport that’s likely to have you hurtling into the sand.
A Note on Length
No swimwear should go below the top of the kneecap. Ideally, there should be a space two- or three-fingers wide stretching from the bottom of the shorts to the top of the kneecap.
Choosing the Right Color
Black, dark gray, dark blue, navy blue, and no shade of blue lighter than French blue. These are the safest colors. Hardly a conservative choice, dayglow orange – that wonderful, bright, electric tangerine color lifeguards wear – is a great choice, too. The one drawback is you may be mistaken for a lifeguard at a critical moment. We also love Nantucket Red, which is somewhere between brick red and pink.
Don’t Be Afraid of Patterns
Madras, tartan, houndstooth, batik, calico, paisley — traditional forms of these patterns can look both smart and tasteful.
If you are attending a beach party or a pool party, or are lounging as a guest at someone’s resort or villa, avoid being adventurous or edgy. Bold floral and Hawaiian patterns are not poor choices, but neither are they inspired choices. Wear what you like when you’re staying on your own property, and/or are with close friends at a friend’s place. If you are going to be in public, wish to look your best, and do not want to hazard unwanted attention or disapproving comment, then avoid flags, flag references, brand logos, novelty patterns, and anything too clever. Beach date? The same rule applies with greater force.
If you are getting new trunks specifically for a social event hosted by your employer, or are joining an event which will be attended by colleagues and non-intimates, stick to traditional/conservative cuts and colors, and don’t go too down-market. Imagine that a colleague or fellow guest is complimenting you on your swimsuit, and asks where you got it. Your swimsuit will look better – and therefore: you will look better – if you answer (truthfully) “Neiman Marcus,” rather that “Target.” We’re not snobs. We’re strategists. For your buddy’s barbecue, dress for cannonballs and chipotle stains. Go to Walmart.
Big Guys Should Wear Shorter Shorts
A big guy is a big guy, period. When you are large, there’s no color, pattern, or racing-stripe that is going to be “slimming.” Unfortunately, too many big men end up wearing zany, quirky trunks with long inseams. Here’s our advice: stick to strong, solid colors, or to dense patterns, and choose shorter trunks. Large men tend to have big, solid quads — a reward for carrying extra weight. Longer trunks don’t make one look thinner, or hide superfluous adipose tissue, but they do cover-up one of the best parts of a big man’s build. Flash those thighs with confidence. Showing more skin above the knee balances broader expanses above the waistline. It isn’t “slimming,” but it is an honest visual detente between one’s northern and southern hemispheres.
Self-conscious? Try this trick
If revealing the upper-half of your frame is something you do reluctantly (and we’ve been there), consider trying the following. Get a light gray long-sleeve sweatshirt, and cut the sleeves off just below the elbow. Roll the sleeves up to above the elbow, and wear it. If you’re asked why, your answer is: you are prone to sunburn. The sweatshirt is to be preferred to a t-shirt for the following reasons. First, there aren’t too many people who actually look good in a wet t-shirt. Second, whereas a wet t-shirt can look like a hasty afterthought, a cropped sweatshirt suggests that the garment is, in fact, part of a specific strategy. Third, a wet sweatshirt (though heavy) is indeed a great way to keep cool.
Dive Deeper
We enjoyed what The Idleman says about stylish swim shorts, and we benefitted from The Art of Manliness’s guide to men’s swimwear.
Watch the Southern Comfort ad on Youtube here.
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